Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
