This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
