Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
