The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
