His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize