Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We just shotgunned beers for America
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize