My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
