oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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