I wish I could teleport
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize