life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
