The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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