Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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