Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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