I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to sanitize my soul.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
