I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Randomize