i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
