I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
