And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Can Purell be used as lube?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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