I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
