It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
