At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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