Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
