She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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