I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
