Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
