Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
