I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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