Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
