Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
