does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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