Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
