im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
