I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
