u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
