I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
