Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
A bitchslap is in order.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
