weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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