he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
