his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
