I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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