Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
