Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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