he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
