Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sober January is a disaster.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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