I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
