He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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