Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
