Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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