he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
