You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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