I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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