Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
