if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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