So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
