I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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