my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
