Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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