i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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