I can tuck mytits in my pants
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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