I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
