I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
