Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
